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Santa Claus: ‘‘If you like your Christmas presents, you can keep them!’’



by Joel Legnutt, DP senior staff,

Wednesday, December 4th, 2013,

(WASHINGTON) —To all those still shell-shocked over President Obama’s broken promise of Americans being able to keep their current healthcare plans under the Affordable Care Act, have no fear —Santa Claus is here!

     Indeed, the Santa Claus, a.k.a. Jolly ‘Ol Saint Nick; Kris Kringle; Saint Nicolas himself flew into Washington D.C. Wednesday to make an official statement to the American people, telling them not to worry this Christmas; their wishes of gifts to him will indeed be honored, as always, and that they will be able to keep their Christmas presents as with every year past, if they wish.

     White House officials admitted that allowing Saint Nick to reassure the nation in its press briefing room was rather embarrassing, but will eventually play well with the public, assuaging some of the anger currently boiling in the country over the president’s false “IYLYHPYCKI” (If You Like Your Healthcare Plan You Can Keep It) promise.

     “Ho-ho-ho..! I understand there’s been some pretty big promises that’ve been broken in this great nation recently,” said a most jolly of Jolly Ol’ Saint Nicks before the White House press corps Wednesday.   “People in America seem a little down on their leaders, ho-ho, and their ability to keep important promises. Well a ‘Ho-Ho-Ho’ to that, America! Have no fear when it comes to Christmas this year, ho-ho..! I, Santa Claus, am here to tell you all now, and let me be clear: If you get you the Christmas presents you asked for this year and you like them and wish to keep them, you can. No one will take them it from you. Let me say it again: if you like your Christmas presents, you can keep them. Ho-ho, ho-ho!”

   Americans undoubtedly released a giant collective sigh of relief at Santa Claus’ “you can keep them” promise. However Claus was not finished with his declarations, stating: “Also, if you want to keep your ‘Naughty or Nice’ plans, you can keep them. …Ho-ho-ho! ”

   As is well known, Santa Claus offers many Christians “Naughty or Nice” plans, where annual gift receivers pay insurance based upon the prospects of their being naughty or nice; someone with a history of being mostly “nice” over the years (thus expected to be mainly nice this year) will pay Santa a low annual premium for the few “naughty deeds” they may have done, whereas someone with a record of numerous “naughty deeds” will have to pay Santa Claus more for him to forgive him or her and “overlook” their naughtiness, sometimes resulting in their being given the least desired of the gifts they had wished for. These existing “Naughty or Nice” insurance plans, for those who chose to enlist in them, will remain unchanged, according to The Claus.

     Santa Claus went on to say that while there is concern for those who are “habitually extremely naughty” to drag down the rest Christians who are basically nice throughout the year(s), there is no cause for concern for Americans who are basically “nice” and/or have chosen not to buy into his 100-plus-year-old Naughty or Nice insurance plans.

   “Let me be clear, ho-ho-ho,” added Claus, “when America’s Christians wake up the day after Christmas, they will have all the same presents they have asked for and received the day before. Trust me. That’s a promise! Ho-Ho-Ho..!”


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