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Conservatives Descend on Nation’s Capital to Again Celebrate Their Complete Lack of Unity



(From WIRES)

Thursday, March 6th, 2014,

(WASHINGTON) —The nation’s leading conservative politicians, activists and enthusiasts once again united in the nation’s capital Thursday to begin the three-day festival celebrating the disunities among each other that are currently plaguing their movement.

   The 72-hour-long fest, known as “CPAC” (Conservative Political Action Conference) was once again dedicated to ensuring more local electoral victories for conservatives/Republicans, but in no way symbolized any remote resemblance of unity among the movement that could eventuate in their gaining national executive power (i.e. the U.S. presidency).  

     From the “religious Right” opposing libertarians, to moderate Republicans opposing social conservatives, fiscal conservatives bickering with paleoconservatives, single–issue conservatives warring with “neo-conservatives,” the political Right of America again proved itself utterly and sadly incapable of solidifying around a distinct set of beliefs, goals, and message that would ever win them the executive branch of the U.S. government again. However such open display of disunity is strangely comforting to many who are attending CPAC.

     “I have never felt more proud to be part of a political movement in total disarray than today,” said Gretchen Brown, a Tea Party activist from Youngstown, Ohio, who was attending CPAC for the first time. “I mean, the hateful snipes, the scathing whispers, the pro-Rand Paul people saying Ted Cruz is a phony, the Mark Levin fans heckling the Michael Savage fans…. It’s all so clear to me now: we’re a party and movement that is a complete state of discombobulation. And in a strange way, I’m proud of that. Sue me!”

     Ever since Bill Clinton took office, CPAC has steadily divulged into a state of cacophonous whininess, with more and more conservatives fracturing themselves into single-issue voters and somewhat larger groups whom, while on the statewide and local scale, can win elections, but who continually prove themselves incapable of coalescing around a national candidate to win the presidency (the election of George W. Bush not counting since the Supreme Court had to rule him the victor in 2000, with Al Gore getting 500,000 more in popular votes, and not exactly a landslide for Bush in 2004, either, with the nation having to wait overnight for a make-or-break recount in Ohio).

     In some sad ways, what happened to the Democrat voting base —fracturing to inharmonious groups down lines of race, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, one issue voters, gender, and animal sacrificing rights— has happened to the conservative voting base down ideological lines. But unlike the GOP, Democrat voters have still been able to unite during presidential elections around one rallying cry of “Gimme, gimme!”; a far less complex message for Democrats to promote than the more homogenous GOP’s messages of lower taxes, less regulations, more states’ rights, lower business taxes, tougher stances on illegal immigration, stronger national defense, more individual liberties, less gun control, etc.


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     Nevertheless, living in an age where the candidate that’s holding out the biggest bag of goodies is winning more and more at the national level, many CPAC attendees are expressing optimism they have a fair chance of winning back not just the U.S. Senate in 2014, but more importantly the White House in 2016. Said William Berg, Chairman of the Republican Party in Clark County, Nevada, and regular CPAC attendee, “I’m very optimistic by what I’m seeing here at this year’s conference. Everyone seems really excited and ready to support any of the possible candidates they’re showcasing here and have speaking. And I’m ready to support any one of them in 2016, too…except for Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Chris Christie, or Donald Trump. You’ll never get me to support any of those bastards. I’d rather stay home!”

     According to Doris Burnet, a former Republican councilwoman from Ruston, Louisiana, and lifelong GOP activist, CPAC 2014 has certainly raised her spirits in a national climate where even leading conservative pundits are saying they never expect to see another Republican president again in their lifetimes.   Said, Burnet, 58, to Duh Progressive Thursday, “Having to shuttle into the National Harbor was a pain, but I’m surprised by the young people who are here to express themselves and stand up for strong principles, individual sovereignty!”

   Added Burnet, “Me? I’m all about winning. We have to start winning the Senate and White House again! We have to support who can win and reverse this course our country’s on, unless it’s some phony like Mitt Romney!   I just stayed home for him.   And I’m proud of that! I’m proud I stood up for my principles by sitting down two years ago. I’m glad how the country’s worked out since.”

     Over three million registered Republicans did not vote in 2012.

     Things are a little bit “different” for 20-year-old Patrick O’Donnell, a sophomore from Hillsdale College.   A first time CPAC attendee and a political activist since he was 18, O’Donnell is open to supporting any candidates that can win the White House in 2016…as long as they are Ronald Reagan.

 “I know Reagan’s been out of the public eye recently, but I think with a little pep-talk, a strong show of support and nice cup of hot tea, I think Reagan could win in 2016,” O’Donnell, also a devout Alex Jones and Info Wars enthusiast said, his eyes glazed over in some reddish film indicating he was perhaps in the throes of a mystical, detached trance.   When informed that Ronald Reagan has been dead for ten years, O’Donnell replied, “Whatever! You’re nothing but a pawn of the New World Order!”

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