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White House Taps Musician Stevie Wonder as New Border Security Czar


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by D’Leereeus Johnson, DP Assistant Editor,

Friday, July 18th, 2014,

(WASHINGTON) —As the nation’s southern borders are being overrun by mostly underage migrants from Central America like never before, provoking growing outcries from the public and Republicans and Democrat political alike to “secure the borders”, the White House hoped to lay to rest all such hostility towards its unofficial open-borders policy Friday by naming none other than famed music legend Stevie Wonder as America’s newest “Border Security Czar”.

   The news of Wonder’s appointment also comes upon the heels of a mysterious shooting-down of a 777 Malaysian Airliner over eastern Ukraine and Israel’s launching of a ground invasion of the Gaza Strip to reportedly stop rocket attacks, and is likely to take a back-burner to rising international crises.

   Current Commissioner of U.S. Customs and Border Protection R. Gil Kerlikowske was informed yesterday, according to administration officials, that due to the increasing crisis of illegal immigrants he has been (secretly told to) not able to stop, although can literally still see, he will be relieved of his post effect-immediately at the end of July.   Rock and Roll Hall of Famer Stevie Wonder will be taking up the reins of overseeing and protecting the country’s southern border beginning August 1st.

   The unexpected replacement of Kerlikowske has even left usually “unbiased” White House observers in the mainstream press scratching their heads at President Obama’s curiously timed move, as Stevie Wonder is, to say the least, unfamiliar with the running of a vast federal government department (supposedly) still charged with protecting the country’s borders from illegally entering migrants, and not to mention also blind as damned bat!

     “If anyone has ever doubted the Obama administration’s resolve to protect and guard our nation’s borders, this appointment should quell that doubt once and for all,” said Department of Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson in a press release Friday.

“Stevie Wonder is a steadfast believer in securing our borders and stopping this current and unprecedented influx we have among our southern borders,” said Secretary Johnson.   “Mr. Wonder will watch our borders like a hawk.  His overseeing of our borders with Mexico will be flawless, as well as he laws we already have on the books demanding secure the borders. Mr. Wonder’s swift clampdown on all he sees will be swift, ruthless, and remarkable, trust us.”

     The White House has so far not made any attempts at denying that the sudden replacement of “Border Czar” Kerlikowske with Stevie Wonder is meant to assuage the growing anger over its current allowance of thousands of “undocumented migrants” into the country, which has caused rumors to spread throughout Washington that the administration may actually be growing tired of the act of denial in general.


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     But with the new Stevie Wonder appointment, political pundits aren’t hesitating to point out the thin line of irony and dual criticism on which the administration continues to waddle.

     Wrote Washington Examiner columnist Byron York, “Yes, Mr. Wonder’s amazing achievements in the music world cannot be denied, but what does he bring to the title of (border czar)? He is exceedingly left-leaning on almost every social issue there can be, has no experience in public policy, immigration, border security, and not to mention the man is as useless as (expletive) Ray Charles, and not just because Ray Charles is also blind, but because Ray Charles is dead and blind! …No wonder Obama chose him for the position.”

     “What’s next,” Byron continued, “putting a dead Army vet in charge of the Veterans Administration to help assure the public it won’t let any of our military vets languish in pain or die due to neglected treatment anymore?”

     However the Wonder appointment has –at least this time– put proponents of illegal immigration and even the Mexican government on the side of the White House. “The federal government is clearly seeing the need for a more compassionate view on who and how many enters this country and how,” said National Council of La RazaPresident Janet Murguia to the Associated Press Friday.    “We applaud this appointment of Stevie Wonder to watch the U.S.-Mexican borders to the best of his ability.  We would also like to encourage Latinos who still have relatives living south of the border —all 24 to 30 of them— to inform them of this appointment in case they haven’t heard of it.”

     A spokesperson for the president of Honduras, Juan Orlando Hernández, whose country is one of the three main Central American nations now exporting thousands of its poorest and least desirable residents to the U.S. in hopes they can be poor and undesirable someplace else, said Friday that the Honduran government is “elated” President Obama is replacing Commissioner Kerlikowske with Stevie Wonder, adding the move shows just how seriously the Obama administration is finally taking the issue of border security.

     Neither Stevie Wonder nor outgoing Commissioner R. Gil Kerlikowske could be reached for comment; Mr. Kerlikowske presumably due to shock and shame, Mr. Wonder due to the fact that his new appointed spokesperson cannot speak or write in English.


UPDATE: White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest also announced Friday afternoon that the administration will also be replacing Acting Secretary of Veterans Affairs Sloan D. Gibson with former four-star Army General Norman Schwarzkopt. General Schwarzkopt has been dead since 2012.

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