"America might have deserved 9/11, but not this site. No, never!"

- Rev. Jeremiah Wright

Al-Qaeda Says It ''Feels Too Sorry'' We Have Obama as President to Attack Again

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by Diana Jameson, DP staff

Thursday, September 11th, 2014,

(LONDON) —In a bizarre and certainly unexpected message by al-Qaeda on the 13th anniversary of its 9/11 attacks, the terrorist group's current leader, Ayman al-Zawahiri, formally informed the United States that al-Qaeda has grown to "feel too sorry" to attack the it again due to its having Barack Obama as its president.

     In a taped message from what many suspect is al-Zawahiri's secret location along the Afghanistan−Pakistan border, al-Zawahiri formally spoke on behalf of al-Qaeda, ordering all of its curent members to focus their jihad on other countries, such as Syria, India, Russia, Israel, and the Philippines.  "...But not America, not at least for a long time.  They've done too much damage to themselves by the way they have voted since 2008.  So sad," said the terrorist leader who took over al-Qaeda after Osama bin Laden's assassination in May 2011.

     According to al-Zawahiri, under President Obama America has simply become too feeble and embarrassing to attack, and is doing more damage to itself than another attack by al-Qaeda (minus a "lone wolf" scenario by someone working outside al-Qaeda's direction) could ever inflict.  So why should the group waste its time on a country imploding on its own, asks the elder terrorist leader?

     The video was sent to the British Broadcasting Corporation in London late Wednesday from a fake address in Southampton, UK, although it is formally addressed to the United States in message. U.S. State Department and Homeland Security officials have studied the grainy video tape and confirmed its authenticity.  

   The tape is a little over 34 minutes long, longer than usual al-Qaeda-taped messages to the U.S., and although is certainly not being called a "declaration of peace" by the blood-thirsty terrorist organization, al-Qaeda does formally declare that it will suspend targeting the U.S. homeland indefinitely.  

     States an aging al-Zawahiri in the tape:

"When President Obama first came into office we thought he would be not much different than Bush and that America would remain a formidable enemy, an enemy worth fighting and giving our lives in the name of Allah to defeat. But, like, shit, look at the guy! Look at what you all have done to yourselves!   The whole world is on fire and is a playground for us because of your president's fanciful, rose-colored approach of the world. I mean, dear Allah, our cousins in ISIS send you videos of them cutting off Americans' heads and how does your Obama react? —goes to fundraisers and plays golf!   Lord, how creepy and pathetic! That's beyond sad and disrespectful!   I'm sorry, America, but you've basically defeated yourself and are no longer worth our attention.   We knew Obama would be harmful to your country.   But he's even surprised us!  There's no point in attacking you as long as Obama is your leader and his policies remain after he leaves office. Al-Qaeda does not kick an enemy when they are down...even we're not that cold!  I'm sorry.   I hope this doesn't hurt your feelings too much."


     Analysts say a-Zawahiri's message was strategically timed to be received after President Obama took to the airwaves to address the nation about the growing threat from the spread of ISIS (Islamic State of Iraq and Syria) last night, which has been allowed to permeate throughout rural Syria, almost half of Iraq and is beginning to make inroads in Lebanon and Jordan in the wake of the Obama administration's overwhelming withdraw from the Middle East and aiding what it believed were friendly, "moderate" Muslims fighting to overthrow tyrants like Egypt's Hasni Mubarak, Libya's Muammar Gaddafi and Syria's Bashar al-Assad. Such actions meant to win hearts and minds of Muslims in the Middle East gone horribly awry al-Zawahiri tore into especially, chiding Obama for what al-Zawahiri called his "catastrophically flawed, faculty lounge, ignorant, condescending world view and personal arrogance".


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   Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson's office issued a statement Thursday morning addressing the new tape from the al-Qaeda leader. "There is no reason to believe nor trust the messages and statements from the new al-Zawahiri video," read the DHS's statement. "And there is certainly no reason to believe the reasons why al-Qaeda's senior leadership has given for why they will suspend targeting the U.S. for attack.   These people carried out the worst attack against America in our history and there is no reason to believe we are no longer in the center of their crosshairs."

     Many experts on al-Qaeda, the Middle East and radical Islam, however, do see a point in much of what al-Zawahiri says in his 34-minute rant, during which he reportedly covers a myriad of topics about the current state of the U.S., from its diminished military strength in place of sensitivity training for its personnel, scandals involving federal agencies like the IRS, NSA, VA, calling the Fort Hood shooting "workplace violence", to its economy since President Obama took office, national debt, race relations, Obamacare, to even aspects of its popular culture, entertainment and technology.

     "Really, Miley Cyrus?  Are you guys shitting me?!" rages a bewildered-looking Zawahiri in the video.  "...You went from a country of Elvis, Billie Holiday, Johnny Cash, Louis Armstrong, Jimi Hendrix, and Led Zeppelin and Metallica to Miley-Fucking-Cyrus, 'Wrecking Ball' and 'twerking'?!  Are...You...All...Nuts?!   No, you're not nuts, you're sad —so sad that you're just not worth attacking anymore.  Sorry, America."

     "Al-Qaeda's leader does have a lot of points, I hate to say it," said former Army Major Dwight Greer who retired from teaching American history and U.S.—Middle Eastern Relations at West Point Military Academy in 2009.  Greer, 65, was visiting the services at the 9/11 memorial Thursday at New York's Ground Zero, but was kept updated on the new al-Qaeda tape by his iPhone, something al-Zawahiri also bashes Americans for becoming "shamelessly obsessed with".

    Says a smirking al-Zawahiri mid-way through the tape according to anonymous DHS sources: "And that synthetic, Godless, materialistic culture of yours we Muslims hate so much..?  Well, now you've allowed it to destroy you from the inside-out!  All your gadgets and video games and posting pictures of your dinners on Facebook —like, who cares about your shitty dinners, except Michelle Obama?!— and having to get an 'app' for everything on your phones.  Your kids can't read or tie their shoes but they know how to play 'Angry Bird' on their phones?!  Jesus, even if we attacked you again you wouldn't even believe it until your 'smart phone' told you it was happening, even if it was happening in front of you! ...Oh, and another thing, I never thought I'd live to see the day when your media became more upset over a clip of a football player knocking out his girlfriend than the clips from September 11th, 2001!"

     Mainly, however, on this somber 13th anniversary of one of the worst days in American history, al-Zawahiri stuck to President Obama and his policies as to why al-Qaeda has taken the U.S. off its radar of attack, claiming that through the ignorance of its voters we have brought about more destruction on ourselves than any attack ISIS or al-Qaeda could ever pull off if they tried.   It are these points former professor Maj. Greer agreed with the most as he left the memorial service at Ground Zero.


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     Greer said that in some major ways, al-Qaeda had achieved the objective in "taking out" America from the world stage by making it war-weary in Iraq and electing a slick-taking president they knew very little about, only that he would get us out of Iraq and "patch things up" in the Middle East. And obviously, such a stance has not worked out, as Americans are again feeling more vulnerable to a terrorist attack since 9/11/01, and preparing to go to war against ISIS.

     "Look also at what's happened since Obama has taken office: food prices have gone up, gas prices way up, Obamacare costing employers employees and people their insurance, more people on food stamps than ever, the debt has almost doubled," said Greer, who served three tours in Vietnam.

     Added Greer to Duh Progressive, "Look at comments from (Obama) like 'If I had a son he'd look like Trayvon', and Ferguson —race relations have gotten worse it seems, not better; we fret more over NFL team names than we do over sealing our borders and letting sick, illiterate armies of indigent illegal immigrant kids in who will never fully assimilate to our country.  There're mystery illnesses popping up in areas where they've been placed.  We don't know who else is coming into this country; friends, gang member, or jihadist —who?  Our own youngsters don't even know how to communicate unless it's through a text.  We waddle and hymn and haw about Russia, Iran, we have this apathetic stance towards Israel, fire top military leaders that don't bow to Obama's world view, we're allowing China to bully its way in the South China Sea...you know things are bad when Vietnam is asking for our protection We have this celebrity president who has this naive, globalist—socialist view of the world....

     "I can smoke pot in front of a police station in Seattle but not a damn cigarette!" continued Greer, beginning to tear up.   "...We have a debt that knows nothing but to grow, people with Masters degrees working at WalMart, suicide rates climbing ....I mean, I have to admit, al-Zawahiri is right; in so many ways, we suck!"

     In the last moments of the latest al-Qaeda video, Ayman al-Zawahiri also reportedly becomes very solemn and glum and tears up, according to anonymous sources in the DHS.  "You're...you're just not the same America we once hated so much and attacked," says the al-Qaeda leader, looking down and wiping away a tear.  "You're not strong and formidable anymore, not 'fun', and your president is too embarrassing to even listen to, let alone take a warning from.  He's more interested in taking 'selfies' and golfing than fighting.  And your popular culture is too depressing for us to concentrate on attacking. ...I'm sorry, America, but we're just not that into you anymore."


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