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Actress Gwyneth Paltrow Diagnosed With Ebola, Doctors Refuse to Help!


by Ledge Slater, DP Intern and Stud-in-Chief,

Wednesday, October, 14th, 2014,

(LOS ANGELS) —A week after actress Gwyneth Paltrow made her now famous "gushing" over President Obama during a Democrat fundraiser she hosted at her Los Angeles mansion, the Hollywood darling has been quarantined in a Los Angeles hospital, diagnosed with the deadly Ebola virus that has ravaged West Africa and has reached as far as Dallas and continental Europe.

     According to unnamed sources close to the blonde beauty, so famously tortured by the horrors of being a world famous, multi-million-dollar actress as opposed to a simple middle-class stay-at-home mom, Paltrow was rushed to Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center early Thursday morning with reportedly "colossal diarrhea", intense vomiting, bleeding from the eyes, a 103.3 fever, and verbal incoherence, her most outrageous outbursts repeatedly being "President Obama is so handsome I can't contain my bowels!" and "I want to give (Obama) all the power he wants over my exploding one-eyed winker!"

   "Ms. Paltrow is in isolation. We have confirmed she has contracted the Ebola virus somehow. She is in no physical contact with anyone without the proper precautions for dealing with Ebola, or anyone within earshot of any ridiculous, nauseating 'gushing' over the President, which we are all afraid of most," said Amy Albin, Senior Public Relations Officer for Ronald Reagan UCLA Hospital in a press release Thursday.  "Our main concern now is to quarantine actress Gwyneth Paltrow so she does not spread this deadly disease, but more so she cannot be heard uttering any insanely unctuous, licentious, ass-licking suck-up espousals to and of President Obama to anyone but trained specialists, as we are here at UCLA Hospital. ...Being in Hollywood, Los Angeles, we're used to these kind of things."

     More importantly, according to Albin, aside from quarantining Paltrow from others, the hospital is at a loss for doctors willing to treat Paltrow, for fear she might regain not only her health but her seeming inherent skill to proclaim the politically asinine, and lead another strain of Hollywood liberal sycophants, publically beholden to President Obama in a near state of psychosis, to proclaim the most preposterous feelings and desires by the notorious "one-percent" of America, so numerous among Hollywood's elite.

     In fact, according to Dr. Albin, there has not been a single hospital or doctor yet who has offered to help actress and broad-minded humanitarian Gwyneth Paltrow battle against the lethal Ebola virus, the risks of her living to evolve into another (yet far more attractive) Michael Moore or Bill Maher presumably being too risky.


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     Said Dr. Ben Nordenbach, Chief Physician of UCLA Hospital's Emergency Intake Center, "We've reached out to Dallas, Madrid, Monrovia, Conakry, Abuja, and all other places and countries hit with (Ebola), but no doctor or even trained volunteer has offered to come forward and help aid this poor, sickly, great political philosopher, actress Gwyneth Paltrow, in her battle against this horrific disease.   It's uncanny!"

     Dr. C.J. Peters, who dealt with an obscure and brief outbreak of Ebola in western Virginia in 1989 is among many doctors who have turned down pleas to help Gwyneth Paltrow. According to Dr. Peters, "When I heard that a famous Hollywood actress was stricken with the Ebola virus I was aching to help, of course! ...Then I found out it was Gwyneth Paltrow, and I was like, 'You know, my grandson's birthday is coming up in two months, and my wife and I still have to plan that vacation for our anniversary in February, and I wanted to get my car washed this week and watch some football, and like, you know, shit...it's Gwyneth Paltrow!"

     Said Ronald Reagan UCLA Hospital's Dr. Albin, "I mean, who wants to be 'that person' to send Gwyneth Paltrow back out into society to say all the bullshit she says? ...Like, really, wouldn't the best course here be to simply let her and all her arrogance and conceitedness and life-long insolence die with her? ...Would that not be a greater good than finding out how and from whom she got Ebola and perhaps save her and them..? I think the country should be thanking us."

   Added Albin, "I've been a lifelong liberal Democrat until recently...2012, 2013-ish, but I've grown very displeased with 'Obamacare' and the way he is taking on 'ISIS'? ...I'm sorry, but we simply cannot treat Gwyneth Paltrow. It would just be too inhumane to let her back into society."


Demise of a Latter-Day Oracle

     Paltrow's symptoms began three days after her October 9th fundraiser for the Democrat National Committee, with its star and guest of honor, President Obama. However no reports have placed her being symptomatic of Ebola at the time of her fundraiser for the President, during which she amazingly bestowed the delightful compliments upon the President, “It would be wonderful if we are able to give this man all the power he needs to accomplish the things he needs to,” as well as proclaiming him too handsome to for her to speak properly and/or coherently, as she so often does on all matters, political and none.    

     Outside Gwyneth Paltrow's mansion in Los Angeles, flowers have been placed in her honor and hopes of her recovery...okay, one flower has been laid outside the home of the beloved Hollywood sweetheart, placed by an everlasting and endearing fan.   Said fellow actress Blythe Danner (Gwyneth Paltrow's mother) as she laid the flower outside her daughter's palatial estate, "I just hope this whole Ebola thing passes, and my daughter is allowed to live, to live, to be allowed to blather on to no abandon about political and societal matters she knows nothing about —to espouse completely pitiful yet hilarious bullshit! ...Dear God, what the world be without her?!"

     There is no word yet on whether Paltrow may have exposed President Obama or any of his staff attending the fundraiser (as if California Democrats need fundraisers), but worries abound among the White House and the President's traveling staff that Ebola may have infiltrated the President and his inner-circle of, well, his inner-circle. But White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest attempted to lay all those fears to rest, Wednesday during his daily press briefing.

     "No one needs to worry. The great female Socrates of our time, Gwyneth Paltrow, did not display any symptoms of the Ebola virus during her time with the President," said Earnest, "and therefore could not expose or infect Mr. Obama with the virus. So there is nothing to worry about here."

     Added Earnest, "And besides, this is President Obama we're talking about being possibly infected —even deadly viruses have their standards."

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