by Diana Jameson, DP staff
December 25, 2014,
(FERGUSON, MO) —Jolly Ol’ Saint Nick was tragically only able to deliver gifts to half of America’s Christians Christmas Eve, after an apparent cyber attack by North Korean hackers forced Santa Claus to land in Ferguson, Missouri, where he was subsequently beaten up by a mob of angry protesters, still raging over decisions by grand juries not to indict white police officers in the deaths of local teen Michael Brown, Eric Garner in New York, and now fuming over the police shooting of 18-year-old Antonio Martin on Tuesday.
Authorities say it was a well—coordinated and perfectly timed cyber attack by the North Koreans on Santa’s GPS system, which the patron saint of Christmas has come to rely on more and more in recent years instead of divine intuition on where to fly around the planet blessing Christians with gifts.
According to Ferguson police, Santa landed in the embattled city around 12:31 on Christmas morning, after his GPS system was “compromised”, forcing Kris Kringle to land on the streets of Ferguson, Missouri, to regain his bearings. Shortly after landing and asking locals if he was either west or east of interstate Route 170 and thus on the correct path to Kansas City to deliver gifts, Santa Claus was surrounded and attacked by a group of residents and beaten severely.
Onlookers at the scene took pictures with their cell phones and report that the crowd that beat Santa Claus were shouting the now common calls of “Hands Up, Don’t Shoot!” and “I Can’t Breathe!” ...all while wearing shirts that said “I CAN’T BREATH”.
“I saw this old, fat white dude land in the street on a sleigh and asking for directions to Kansas City,” said Sheila Moore, a Ferguson resident who was taking part in the (still!) on-going protests in the town. “...And (Santa) seemed all confused, and I felt sorry for him and his reindeer, but before I could help a bunch of brothers swarmed his ass and knocked the dude to the ground. Knocked the poor dude, I mean, out! ...They kept beating ‘em and taking all his gifts —took away his whole sack...of gifts, I mean.”
Moore said that she, as well as others around her, discussed trying to intervene and save Santa from his assault, but that they were too afraid to be attacked and beaten themselves. “He’s the Saint of Christmas, for Christ’s sake, which is what this night is all about...hence why I’m out here (indirectly) advocating violence,” added Moore, 30, “and I know he’s old and fat and White, but he didn’t deserve this. It’s Christmas! And Santa’s got a job to do, so just let him do it! ...He’s all about happiness and joy and love and giving, and now he’s in the hospital, they say, unable to even talk. And we saw it all! I’m just so sorry....poor ol’ saintly dude!”
Cell phone videos of Santa’s attack and “beat-down” show a group of eight to ten young Black men surrounding Santa after chasing him away from his sleigh and reindeer (who flew off, according to onlookers, obviously trying not to be beaten themselves, or worse), and yelling, “Where is Michael Brown’s Christmas?!” ... “Where’s Eric Garner’s Christmas?!” ... “Where’re their gifts, you fat ol' White bitch?!”, and “You ol’ fat, White mother-f**ker! ..Don’t know anything about us, livin’ all year up in the North Pole and shit..!”
Some on-lookers cheered as Santa was beaten, while others —protesters and non-protesters alike— pleaded to Santa’s assailants to leave him alone and left to go about finishing his Christmas duties as he has for roughly 300 years...but to no avail, sadly.
Indeed, it was perhaps these same “anti-Santa-beat-down” protesters who called police and EMS crews who rescued Santa, minus his gifts for the rest of the Western Hemisphere’s Christian children having been stolen and “The Claus” barely able to breathe and rushed him to Christian Hospital, 15 miles north. Santa has regained consciousness but is unable to speak, according to hospital officials.
Ferguson police formally broke the news at a press conference as dawn broke across the nation, and thus its remaining Christians from Ferguson on west were not finding the gifts they had been promised and expected (granted they had been nice in 2014 and not “naughty”). Said Tom Jackson, the newly appointed police chief of Ferguson, Missouri, Christmas morning to reporters outside Ferguson police headquarters: “The reports of Santa Claus being assaulted and beaten are true, we regret to say. Santa was allegedly ‘grounded’ by a glitch in his GPS navigation system as he was leaving the city of Saint Louis, and had to land in the town of Ferguson, where he was accosted, severely beaten, and robbed of all of his remaining gifts.”
North Korea Playing Hand In “Santa Smack-Down”
Ferguson’s Chief Jackson, wiping away tears, went on to say that although federal and Missouri state officials are already investigating the downing and beating of “Father Christmas”, they have nearly confirmed that, like with the Sony Corporation, North Korea agents in or outside the United States purposely “downed” Santa Claus in Ferguson so he could be attacked and robbed the way he allegedly was. Jackson pointed to the recent outage of North Korea’s internet and the threats the rogue communist state made against the U.S. if the Sony Corporation released what Pyongyang has described as a “blasphemous” (satirical) film, The Interview, starring comedians Seth Rogen and James Franco, in which the duo play snarky talk show hosts who are conscripted by the CIA to assassinate North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un, a film North Korea has deemed an “act of war” by the United States.
Chief Jackson, along with Federal Bureau of Investigation and State Department officials said they have “definitive proof” that North Korea sabotaged Santa Claus’ GPS system, knowing he would have to land temporarily in Ferguson, which has become the flashpoint of anti-police demonstrations, riots, looting, and racial tensions in the U.S. since August, when unarmed “Gentle Giant” teenager Michael Brown was shot dead by Officer Darren Wilson after a struggle for Wilson’s firearm as he sat in his cruiser...and after Brown robbed a convenient store and assaulted its clerk. Uhh, yeah...
Given the recent tensions in the U.S. against police officers and a noticeable increase in stress among Blacks and Whites, North Korea seemingly took advantage of the strained atmosphere and downed Santa Claus purposely in Ferguson. As FBI spokesperson Chris Allen put it to reporters, Thursday, “The North Koreans may have well turned (Santa) into a swimsuit model with hundred-dollar-bills taped to her running around naked in Kabul.”
“There’s no other way to put it,” Allen said, “given what has been occurring in the nation over the last few months, Santa’s should-have-been-clandestine sweep through Ferguson ended up as a tragedy, and the North Koreans knew exactly what they were doing by hacking his GPS and forcing him to land on the streets of Ferguson to regain his ordinance.”
Continued Allen to reporters, “We have to face it —North Korea, in a very cunning and morbidly creative way, ruined Christmas! They retaliated against...against what most —I think— of Americans still celebrate, Christmas, and Santa Claus by purposely ‘landing’ a fat, old, White man with an endless amount of gifts of all sorts into the worst place a fat, old, White guy with presents of all kinds could be grounded these days —Ferguson, Missouri!”
Unsurprisingly North Korea has not responded to the accusations it hacked and sabotaged Santa Claus’ GPS system and subsequent assault and robbery. The impoverished, “hermit state”, as it is commonly called, has remained silent, as is its custom throughout Christmas. But evidence is abundant that North Korea directly, or indirectly via agents in the U.S., “downed” Santa Claus in what could be considered the most dangerous city in America for a fat, old white man with endless supplies of free gifts to land.
Santa is being heavily guarded currently at Christian Hospital, outside of Ferguson, and staff members are reporting Kris Kringle is expected to recover, but perhaps not fully, given a few shoe prints on the face of the patron Saint of Christmas and embodiment of Christian harmony and selflessness suffered Christmas Eve. Anonymous sources from Christian Hospital said they fear “Father Christmas” may have suffered brain damage —so much so that he may become a Democrat, indefinitely!
Speaking of Democrats, President Obama was informed of Santa Claus’ sabotage via the North Koreans and consequential beating and robbing at the hands of furious “demonstrators” early Christmas morning while out on the Pali Golf Course in Honolulu, Hawaii. When informed of the North Korean attack on Santa and his resulting beating at the hands of Ferguson “demonstrators”, the President responded, strongly and frighteningly, the same way he did after learning of the two New York police officers ambushed and murdered last Saturday: “ _____ ________ _________, _______ ___.”