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Salma Hayek Still Only Person on Earth Upset Over Seeing Salma Hayek Naked

by Vick Victor, official DP Hollywood liaison

(LOS ANGELES)  —Talk about being “one against the wind.”   In an interview to Britain’s tabloid newspaper, The Sun, actress-model Salma Hayek has again confirmed herself as being the only recorded human being on Planet Earth who is distraught over having to do nude scenes in her movies, according to the Mexican bombshell last week.  

   “In 'Desperado' (1992), I had great difficulty doing the love scene with Antonio Banderas. I actually cried,” Hayek told The Sun last Monday.  “I didn't want to be naked in front of a camera and kept on thinking, 'What will my mother and father think about this?'”

    Such grievances over appearing on film nude are not new for Hayek.  But also not new are the results of a CNN/Gallup poll conducted shortly after Hayek’s statement, confirming again that Hayek, and only Hayek, is the only person on Earth upset over being naked on film.

    “I was never happy over my baby being nude in front of millions,” said Sami Hayek Dominguez, Hayek’s father, Monday.   “But once I saw (Desperado), and that sex scene I was like, ‘Daaaaaaaaaaamn!’”

     With not even Hayek’s parents objecting to their daughter having shown off her wares, the now decade’s long search for someone —anyone; be they man, woman, hermaphrodite, child, gay, straight, or even in a coma— who objects to seeing Salma Hayek naked, continues.

    “The search for someone who has a problem with seeing Salma Hayek naked has been like the search for Bigfoot,” said Father William O’Donnell, a Franciscan priest and professor at Catholic University in Washington D.C.  O’Donnell, who teaches courses dealing with depictions of religion and morality on film, said that in his 18 years as a professor, never has he run across a student or fellow priest or faculty member who has shunned the “Desperado’s”  famous sex scene between Hayek and Antonio Banderas.

   “Every day I walk into the classroom to teach about how morality and religion is mocked on film,” said O’Donnell, “and every day each class ends the same –with all of us watching the sex scene in ‘Desperado’ over, and over, and over, and over…for 90 minutes, four times a day…you know, so the kids learn how to recognize depravity on film when they see it.”

    Added O’Donnell to Duh Progressive, “In fact, you’ll have to excuse me, but I need to remind myself how sick and crass American cinema has become again.   I’m off to watch ‘Desperado,’ all five minutes of it.”

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