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Gay Guy’s Best New Female Friend Not as Fat and Disgusting As Usual


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(From WIRES)

(FAIRFAX, VA)  —Local Starbucks employee and college student Nathan Thurman is counting himself happy these days.  His co-workers and friends (especially his heterosexual friends) are counting themselves even happier, for Thurman, 23, is sporting a new “BFF”, who is quite a relief to the eyes of Thurman’s friends and family.   Emily Williams, 22, and Thurman have become best of friends over the last year from first meeting at Northern Virginia Community College.

      Thurman, who is gay, had to say goodbye to his last best female friend, Deborah, last year after she moved to attend the University of Virginia.  But unlike Deborah and her “BFF” predecessors, Williams is a relief to all…because she is not a completely fat or hideous slob, according to Thurman’s family and friends. 

      “Emily is just a lovely young lady and I’m so happy Nate and her were able to meet in their Blind Lesbians in Film Studies class last year,” said Thurman’s mother, Janet, to Duh Progressive Tuesday.  “She’s every bit as nice and caring as Deborah, Nat’s old friend, expect that she isn’t as big as Yellowstone National Park with a face that looks like a baboon’s butt on a bad day.  Emily, on the other hand is cute for her weight.” 

       Emily’s decent size (only 40 pounds overweight) and face is making hanging around the duo much easier, according to Kylie MacFadden, a co-worker and friend of Thurman’s.   “Going out with Nate when he would be with Deborah was hard.  She was hard on the eyes, alright.  She would even chase customers away at the (coffee) shop,” said MacFadden.  “Don’t get me wrong, she was a big sweetie and treated everyone great and would do anything for Nate.  But so help me, you had to wear two pairs of sunglasses around her even at night.”

     But Thurman, according to his family and friends, could not be happier and still remains in touch with onetime best gal pal, Deborah, who had been friends with him since high school after she crushed two classmates against some lockers when she caught them harassing Thurman for being gay.   The two had been inseparable ever since, and no one dared pick on Thurman again lest they risked enduring the face and force of Deborah, which Thurman admits had a worse temper than new pal Emily. 

    Said Thurman to Duh Progressive Tuesday, "Emily won't be crushing bullies up against lockers any time soon, but again I'm not in high school anymore.  She's just cool and likes doing almost everything I like to do.  It's total sympatico with me and Emily!  She's such a good listener, too."


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