Weeks ago Duh Progressive ran an article about First Lady Michelle Obama accusing Santa Claus of being one of the main reasonsfor why so many Americans have diabetes and heart disease today. The article, “Santabetes: Michelle Obama Says Santa Claus Promotes Diabetes,” was met with shock and distain among many of our readers, who chastised Mrs. Obama for her criticism of Santa.
Well my friends, this commentator, this brave, cutting-edge journalist, Yours Truly, Nicholas Taxia, proudly agrees with our First Lady, and then some.
Santa Claus, a symbol of good will, brotherly love, the season of Christ’s birth and lover of children is headed down our chimneys yet again. Oh, yippie! But in keeping with contemporary liberal love of searching for distasteful and politically incorrect aspects of various cultural icons, I am taking a courageous step today: not only am I agreeing with Mrs. Obama, but I am going further, accusing Santa Claus of being one of the most misunderstood, oppressive madmen of all time.
However what’s more disgraceful is how so few people have been able to remove their blinders and see the truth about Santa —a ferocious monster neatly shrouded in centuries of misguided folklore and childish enthusiasm. But I shall now disclose the ultimate and hideous truth about this jolly ol’ “saint.”
Example 1: Santa’s elves are portrayed as adorable, gung-ho “helpers,” with every ounce of their bodies shaking with naïve joy as they prepare the yearly load of presents... O, what sad, trite, dogmatic notions our society has spoon-fed our children about these “elves.” The horrible truth is that these poor beings aren’t “elves,” but helpless midgets held in captivity by the gleeful ol’ Santa.
The midgets are not paid. They’re forced to dress in humiliating garb and work virtually non-stop all year. The North Pole has no laws regarding the formation of labor unions, and every time a beleaguered, abused, exploited midget worker has risen to collectively improve their slavish labor conditions, he or she has simply “disappeared,” no doubt now buried somewhere deep in the North Pole’s unforgiving tundra. And it wouldn’t surprise me at all if these degraded dwarfs/midgets were actually child slave laborers (or worse!) from Indonesia or Bangladesh.
Example 2: For these poor midgets, escape is impossible due to the fierce Arctic climate. But this harsh weather doesn’t affect Santa. A steady diet of cookies, cake, and pie keeps the jolly-ol’ midget exploiter well insulated. What kind of message is Santa’s girth sending to our children? Michelle Obama is right! It’s time Santa’s promotion of our national heart-clogging diet stop, and he be held accountable.
Example 3: But influencing what people eat is nothing compared to what they inhale. So I must point out that Santa is often seen smoking a pipe. Tobacco, one of our society’s greatest scourges to be hypnotically persecuted, is huffed and puffed by Santa without one thought to the example he’s sending our youth. I find this terribly offensive. Not a Christmas goes by that I don’t think about Santa stuffing globs of evil “white man’s weed” in his pipe and expelling its deadly influence to our children. There’s no telling how many kids have been permanently poisoned and eventually killed by Santa’s smoking.
Example 4: Santa’s treatment of animals is abominable. Imagine being forced by whip and raging insults to defy gravity and lug millions of gifts through the sky with only eight others to help. Well that’s what Santa’s reindeer go through every Christmas. We view it and cute and quaint, but the work Santa FORCES on these poor creatures is beyond cruel and unusual. All the while Santa is depicted laughing and flashing his demented grin as these helpless animals desperately struggle to keep his fat, fatty-food-gobbling, tobacco-smoking, midget-exploiting ass afloat! Yet are these famed reindeer allowed to form their own union to help combat their hideous workplace demands by this deadly, red-garbed fiend? NO!
Better yet, do any animal rights activists throw fits over Santa’s blatant disregard for the physical and emotional health of his “pet helpers?” Hell no. Never! Where’s PETA when we need them, huh? Where’s the ASPCA? Nowhere –that’s where!
Example 5: Never have I seen such passive-aggressive demeaning of women as Santa Claus displays. Each year Santa just oh-so casually takes to the air, leaving his wife in the Arctic as he showers the globe with presents. Mrs. Claus is thus kept in the restrained state of humble, benign housewife, never daring to get a true job or help in Santa’s deliveries. She just stays home, baking cookies (more calories, more DEATH!), exerting hollow smiles of subliminally tortured bliss, fulfilling her genders “historical role,” according to The Claus. Indeed, she’s so repressed she probably is virtually illiterate, unable to spell her own name, let alone “feminism.”
And who else runs around screaming “Ho Ho Ho!” everywhere? But we’re so programmed to love Santa that we take these cries as just some corny form of laughter, an icon’s trademark, rather than the raging insults and sexist vulgarity they really are! Santa’s “hoes” are also indicative of an obsession with prostitutes (a common fetish of misogynists).
Example 6: But the worst of Santa’s brutality rests in his complete intolerance of non-Christians. If Santa is so “caring” and loves children so much, he would shower gifts upon all the world’s youth. But every Christmas morning Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, and Hindu kids ask their parents why Santa ignored them, and I imagine the usual excuse is some lame line about how every religion has their own version of Santa, and how he loves them too, just in different ways, and blah-blah-blah-blah….
What these parents should really say is: “Look, kid, Santa didn’t visit you because he hates you! And that’s because you don’t fit into Santa’s perverted, hateful, intolerant, retro FASCIST view of the world! Got it?!”
Dear readers, this Christmas, don’t allow your children imagine Santa the way society has tricked them into imagining him. Think of his abuse of animals, of his peddling fatty foods, his tobacco smoke, his exploitation of under-aged Third World sex-slave midgets, his religious intolerance, bigotry, his oppressed wife, his hatred of women, and his Ho’s, and finally realize the truth!