Duh Progressive is pleased and honored, however morbidly, to be the first prestigious news organization to receive direct contact from accused Ugandan warlord Joseph Kony, following the release of the, come to find out, oh–so timely and extraordinarily accurate and in no way condescending or counter–productive Kony 2012 video. The leader of the Lord’s Resistance Army contacted us with the following heartfelt statement:
Okay, it’s time to take the gloves off and finally get tough…with myself. Yes. Yes, it is time for me to fess up and admit to what I have done. I’m not kidding. This is Lord’s Resistance Army’s leader and High Priest, Joseph Kony: humble, honest, and unplugged. And I’m here to say that I am sorry.
You see, ever since my Kony 2012 video (yes, the one where the producer speaks to his audience the same way he does his 4-year-old) was released by the U.S. humanitarian group, Invisible Children, I have been doing intense research on American culture. And a lot of that research involved watching U.S. daytime talk shows, reality TV, and news footage of fellow disgraced persons that live in the U.S. And if there’s one thing that I have realized, is that I am guilty –yes, so, soooo guilty….of making poor decisions.
Yes, world, America in particular, if there’s one thing I’ve realized in my study of your culture over the past couple weeks, it is that no one is ever truly guilty of an atrocious act they may have committed, or guilty of being something repugnant or horrible. From adulterous golf pros, to philandering congressmen, to mass–murdering high school gunmen...people can only be guilty of making “poor decisions” or “poor choices” or “judgments.”
So, being the forthright person that I am, I must admit: I have made some poor choices over the past few ye…decades, and am realizing that in those decision-making processes may have in fact hurt some people. And I sincerely apologize. But after all, who out there has not at one time made a poor decision? Just a casual, careless misjudgment? Be it rear-ending someone on the road as you type a text message, to cheating on your wife in a drunken bliss, to even, perhaps, engulfing millions of people and thousands of square miles of the earth in frenzied, blood-spewing chaos… We’ve all been there. We’ve all done that. We all have simply made poor decisions.
Hacking off thousands of people’s limbs, faces, and genitals..? No, not the mark of a bloodthirsty maniac; just the unfortunate consequences of a man who's made some poor choices in life, nothing more.
Abducting children and making them butcher their own parents…? Nope, not the sign of a mentally deranged henchman at the helm of a barbarous private army –just some uncomfortable results of a simple guy who has made some poor judgments over the years. I admit that. So sorry, world.
Raping, ravaging, and annihilating whole villages, handing its boys AK-47s and making them fight for the worst perversion of Christianity ever, while selling its girls as sex slaves to fund my crazed, rampaging militia…? What, that makes me a madman? Ha! Hardly. I’m just an average, everyday guy that has made some poor decisions. Could happen to anyone, really. One day you can wake up a stuffy office executive in a business suit and then, just a few poor decisions later, you can wake up having hacked thousands to death with machetes and running the most feared, blood-drenched mob on the planet… Come on, who cannot relate?
I have indeed caused harm to some people. But even the most benign, peace-loving people can make poor choices sometimes, right? Even the humble monk in the monastery who forgets to set the coffee for the rest of his brothers in the morning is guilty of poor judgment.
I’ve watched clip after clip of American talk shows and of its shamed celebrities, politicians and criminals (not trying to sound redundant) give their mea culpas over the past weeks, and realize this is all about poor judgments, that’s all, and perhaps a stint in rehab. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s really just a giant misunderstanding, if you put it all in context. But still I admit: I am guilty of making poor decisions. But are poor decisions something only native to Ugandan warlords? I highly doubt it, folks. You know I’m right.
No one is ever a “noun” anymore. No one is ever a “name,” a label. We as a society have thankfully progressed past that regretful and all too “judgmental” practice. And my recent studies of America have taught me that. No one is ever a liar, or thief, or drug addict. No one is ever a promiscuous whore (“slut”, if you will, Mr. Limbaugh), or a sadist, or bum, bank robber, etc. A man who cheats on his wife doesn’t do it because he is an adulterer. He does it because he’s just a poor decision maker. Likewise, a person who pulls out a gun and shoots an innocent person to death is not a murderer…they’ve just made a poor decision. Come to find out via my diligent research: the only labels people are capable of being today are “poor decision/choice/judgment makers.” And to that label, my friends, I do sincerely express my guilt.
So I’m sorry, fellow Ugandans. I’m sorry, people of Sudan and those of my current home in the Democratic Republic of Congo. I’m sorry, world. After realizing my poor judgment calls and misunderstandings over the years, I realize it is time I reevaluate my managerial skills and executive decision making capabilities. No one is perfect, come to find out, and we’re all in the same poor decision making boat at the end of the day. That does not excuse anyone’s poor decisions of course, but it certainly makes you feel better about them (so you can then go out and commit them again).
I’m just so sorry. And I, Lord’s Resistance Army leader and High Priest, Joseph Kony, do solemnly promise to reconfigure my decision making skills in the future.
Thank you, and God bless!
Lord’s Resistance Army High Priest, Leader, and Poor Decision Maker Extraordinaire